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An Issue Of Self.

Our lives are filled with problems, disagreements, and misfortune...or is it things that are percieved as problems? A lot of the time we cope by blaming someone or something else; something outside our seleves. It's easy and casts our guilt and potencial self loathing away, chalked up to "it wasn't my fault, they're to blame." But can we really truly blame something or someone else for our troubles? In many cases where things are out of our control perhaps yes...but in more common issues perhaps not. A true problem is when we think things are so bad we can't help ourselves anymore...if not all problems, I'm beginning to believe most problems are an issue of self.

Is it right to blame everything outside ourselves when we ultimately have the power to walk away, overcome our own misunderstanding, and refuse others to at the command our emotions? I used to struggle with the idea that I would never live up to a respectable image in the eye of my family. Of a lot of people actually, and I worried about it constantly. What can I tell people and what should I hide? Even though all my activies, beleifs, and interests harmless, just slightly beyond the normal and modest in means...

Honestly, if anyone turned out to be truly disappointed or disgusted? How can I blame myself anymore? No one has control of the reaction of other individuals. It would be their own ignorance, potencial prejustice, or misunderstanding within themselves that cause these negative feelings and reactions. In the end...it's no ones fault. Like a child how could they know better if they've never had a reason to consider how they feel about certain things. Some folks can overcome their ignorance, and some can't find a way...all we can do is hope one day that they can and perhaps be better person for it.

After all these thoughts I realized I'd rather chance being a disappointment than be disappointed in my own life and how I live it. I have too much hope in others to hide from them anymore.

Lee Did That For Me

When I was little, I used to cry a lot. Okay, I still cry pretty often; but when I was little I might as well have been a child of the sea with how many tears I bore. I was sensitive and hard headed, and was picked on a lot. Actually one girl, Kristen S used to take things from me and make me chase her to get them back. And another boy Jason P used to tease me and my friends when we would play our games of make believe, so much that one time when I caught him doing it to Erika alone, I got so mad I rammed my head into him when his back was turned (I was a rhino). I never got in trouble for that. But I did get in trouble because I smacked a boy for saying something dirty to me and it scared me. Anyway, at some point and for a short while I started standing up to people. Even though the offenses were in the end innocent and pretty harmless? Standing up to those elementary jerks was pretty cool.

My older brother had a best friend, P Lee M. He was of Irish/Japanese descent and went to the same schools and myself and my brother k~12. He came over to our house pretty often to play. He was the coolest friend my brother had ever made, and the nicest. My brother didn't like me very much and ignored me a lot. But when Lee came over he would always ask him if I could play with them. It made me so happy. Most of the time I simply watched them play video games. My brother would get really irritated when I would say something, but Lee would always defend me and say it was pretty neat...whatever it was that I said. When Lee was at our house, I wasn't stupid anymore...and I guess I felt more appreciated for the first time.

When I was in high school, things between my brother and I were kind of the same, except that I was more of a nuisance. My Mom made my brother drive me to school each morning, but I had trouble waking up on time and was constantly late. I never meant to, and was sorry, but it still caused a lot of trouble. Even though I was 'annoying' and 'such a pain',

I'd pass Lee in the hallway and he always had a big smile and a lot to say. He never saw me as trouble, even calling me his little sister. Whenever he stopped to talk to me he'd call me by the nickname he had for me (Cookie) and ask me how I was, joked about making me smile. One day I got a bloody nose right before an exam (the teacher said from stress); Lee somehow heard about it, and ran all around campus to find me after school; he looked really angry, saying "Who did it?! Who do I need to beat up? You okay?". I told him what happened, but it was so nice that he'd been concerned at all, even though it'd been for nothing. I was going through a hard time, and anxiety attacks were pretty common. It meant so much to me that someone looked out for me and always asked if I was okay. Where my brother had fallen deaf and blind, Lee had stepped in to listen and patch me up. Someone who didn't have to, but did anyway. We weren't related, I didn't even see his house until high school...but he really was my older brother. Much more a part of my life than others knew, and I'm so grateful for everything he did for me.

He made me feel important...that's what Lee did for me.

Something bigger

   Recently I was introduced to the idea that language isn't such a great thing. For communication, nothing can be better and what more do we want than be understood by those around us? But as far as words go, even though their immense amount, they are limiting. As a person, I feel trapped to the act of always collecting things. To feel normal in the world I feel I must collect everything and give it a name. Everything has a genre, a category, and this is how I read the world. 

   How much have we lost do to this process? I started wondering...if it is only the name and purpose we worry about, where does emotion, feel, and scent fit in? What about temperature, and sound. There is essence to everything which can help with avoiding the dangerous or encouraging the best possible...but I feel as though I've overlooked many things. What's right and wrong lives in the emotion actions and things bring up in us. I wonder if this is how animals and plants read the world. They don't have language, except for song and call...they read through the patterns of the sun and moon, water currents and wind. They know nothing of what we say, except for how we harm.

   We are limited to categories, and the opinions of respected others...but I feel we know nothing of the world except the parts we've created. Instead of living within, we created another and surrounded ourselves with what we knew, and built from it...even if what we came to learn was wrong. And what if we are wrong? What if we had to cast away everything we thought we knew...that would be hard for most.

   I don't it's right to think we are the chosen species...especially when it is a creature much smaller than us that the entire arctic ocean depends on to survive. Whale fall is when a whale dies and sinks to the ocean floor, but is responsible for abundance in life. I'm borrowing everything I'm made of, even my body is composed of energy from the earth. The spark of life was given to me, the only thing I could call my own is my soul, and even that is questioned. I am small, but that doesn't scare me. In the grand scheme of things, I am insignificant. Without my breathing the universe would still spin endlessly and the stars would still burn...
   but at the end of the day I still think of the shore...with the water rushing over my feet taking away all these worries with the tide. I'm so frightened of the world and of my future but these thoughts come like the breeze. 
There is a meaning to life, but it has too many answers. For each living thing there is another meaning to living. One answer wouldn't even make up 1% of the right one.


Day II

 Day II- nine things about yourself.

IX- I beat myself up more than I should, for things mostly I shouldn't...

VIII- Sometimes a talk, sleep, and something hot to drink is the best remedy for me when I feel weepy.

VII- I'm caught in between most of the time; either between decisions, continents of friends or beliefs.

VI- I crumble under the constant weight of stress, and crumble to pieces. Sometimes not recovering for days.

V- I'd rather make a friend, but if I make an enemy, one can be sure my arguments would be made with empathy.

IV- I love the smell of dry leaves and fireplace.

III- I'm too eager to please; I'm worn down from pampering pampered egos...if I disagree, I should say so, or 'that's just how it goes."

II- Of the future, I don't know what will grow...but I know one day something will.

I- I'm the same as I was when I was six year old, my friends being what I think of most, and so close to playing make believe with my imagination. [still don't like being scolded either...mostly by teachers >   <;]
 Day I: 1o things you'd like to say to 1o people right now.

X-  You're taking advantage of people's kindness, and using it on means not originally stated...I think it's wrong...

IX-  You loved he and me twice as much to make up for his love...we turned out okay; all thanks to you.

VIII-  I still think about you everyday so never to forget you: your golden moments, and absences, I still miss you.

VII- I know what you'd done...I knew you were lying the entire time...it hurt.

VI-  You should smile more; enjoy what you do...you spend so much money to be here, but you don't look happy.

V-  Who's thaat laaddy?

IV-  You're one of the best people I've ever met, I'm honored you call me your sister.

III-  You [more than one] make class a dream, with you we're a team!

II  -  Fox? I'm a foxy fox, and a bark bark bark, and a bark bark screeaaam!

I  -  I wonder again and again what I'd done to be so lucky to be with you and have you care about me like you do. I love you <3
    What it is we think we want in life, is the thing, or the context of it? Is it for life's sake, or for the understanding? I'm more than sure I'll never know exactly what I want from life, "what I'm looking for," or "who I am." To those thoughts I'm sure there aren't many answers...not many in words at least. It's happiness to me...and purity.

   I was able to find a well of happiness, and I had to be nothing else, anyone else...doing only what feels natural. I was confused for a time, I was lost a long time; and I'm still lost in sense...but I feel at home in this unknown future unfolding. If I travel to new cities and live in different homes, work with and get to know new people, and hear their troubles and their joys; I know that I can be happy where ever I go. 
   It's simple to think of the simple things, the little things in life; fleeting moments and learning to laugh at embarrassments, through hardships, remembering what's really important. But it isn't enough just to say "it's the little things.", but more to take the time to feel the breeze, kick through untraveled snow, think of those who care about you, or remember how incredibly lucky you are for getting this far. It's in my nature; I know my equilibrium is found smiling and in sharing happiness. In my generation, many of us are detached from each other and remain so, when we really want to reach out to each other...walk without having any particular destination. Share ideas, yell at each other, understand each other, rip up old ways by the roots, to plant anew. I don't know my neighbors, but I hear them coughing and hope they feel better, wave to them and learn their names. There's no permanent proof that we lived, only temporary in the perception of us others keep in their mind. That's why actions and words are so important. So don't worry about the end...for what do we really worry about except: did it make us happy? and did we do it to our satisfaction? 
   If it's anything I've learned; it isn't selfish to want happiness...because that and love are the things worth living for. Find what it is you love, what brings you happiness: and do that. As long as it doesn't harm, what is there to fear except uncertainty? It's those passionate that will find a way; no matter how high the obstacles, we humans are persistent, competitive, and stubborn. If you gave up, was it really what you wanted? Or just circumstance? You can always try again.
   Do what you can, and to the best of your ability; no one can ask you for more. Abandon cruelty and hatred...dumb it down to dislike and contempltion. No good came of blowing people off, or throwing tantrums...only pushed others away. People are desperate, and get frantic to change when they feel out of touch with the majority: in all social groups, big or small. Ironically, it's that desperateness, eagerness, and anxiousness, that makes people turn away. I can't explain the phenomenon, but I've seen it, felt it. If I'd known I just had to listen to myself, be myself when it happened to me...I could have realized sooner how cruelly I was being treated by someone I called a friend...and could have talked to her about it. That's all you really need to know..."Just be yourself, you'll be fine." 

   I guess I mostly wrote this for myself, to remember what I've learned...and maybe share a different answer to questions hard to think about. I thought about it, and began to cry unexpectedly after I wrote a message...I can't believe how lucky I am to be here, today and everyday before....with everything the way it is right now and then. I may have had times of damage and rough rocks...but even so, I know I've never reached rock bottom. Even if I did, someone once said at that point the only direction to go is up...isn't it? And I'm grateful...but I don't know to whom or what...I don't know how I've become so fortunate, with some of the things I've done, and the mistakes I've made. It doesn't look like much, and I haven't lived long...but I have a lot, and it's golden and warm.

I think that is what I turn into kindness, to give back to everyone. If anything, I want to be proof of the good in the world; give whatever I can wherever I can, and make people happy. I haven't a soul purpose except what I choose to do with the time I have. I think that's the same for everyone...although belief in fate, plans, and higher powers say otherwise...so I'm not fully certain. It's nice when people can look back on themselves from a time and say, "those days were good."

Chapter --

She reached into her hair to please a scratch, he jumped onto the bed and brushed her arm to comfort her...as only a feline could. His pur was the begining of her tears, It burned the back of her nose and made her shoulders tremble slowly falling down her cheeks. He curled beside her as she held her knees, she, his world beyond the door. The apartment was quiet  washed with a warm light from the table, as her whimpers soothed, his pur continued. As if to say,

"Don't cry...don't cry."

(Cats are magical, sometimes I just can't believe them...I miss the company of mine. Theres a cat in the book I have been atempting to write, named Harvey. I'll get it done one day.)

The Silver Lining.

I came from a world that shone gold, where everyone was of noble blood and had hope in their eyes. I had been made to believe that no matter the circumstances, I could reach any goal, that even though humble I could get them to believe the better side of things. The answers had been there, but it was the effort made that gave them power. Whenever I needed, I escaped into the thick of green, breathed in the summer heat and ran as fast as I could until I reached the temples in the snow swallowed mountains of Tibet. I asked all the questions of my heart and rang the sweetest bells. Given a gift of impossible powers, I could be underneath and not drown, summon wings to soar above, and speak every tongue known, even those whispered and roared by animals. Imprisoned by cursed silver shackles that could not be broken, still I had nine lives to fulfill the wishes of those pure of heart. Armed with weapons only found in the depths of caves littered with jewels I could set out an adventure anytime I was called. I was a hero, a prophet, a sorceress on a pilgrimage...but above all else...

I opened my eyes to friends I trusted and felt safe. That was the best ending to enchanted dreams...it was one of the moments where if one day I looked back I would wish to return to.